Yelling & Forgiveness

for the most part
i try not to yell at people.
it is not an effective means of communication.
and really, yelling at another person speaks more about
you than it does the person you are yelling at.
i especially try not to yell at my children.
i have a serious imeanbusinessyoungman voice
but it isn’t yelling.
yelling at kids is not effective,
unless you are trying to humiliate them.
because isn’t being yelled at humiliating?
i have yelled before.
i am not perfect.
but it rarely happens.
it happened yesterday morning though.

the last two weeks have tested
my woman/wife/mother moxie.
and yesterday i was hanging on by a frayed thread.
i was making lunch as fast as i could.
nolan was in his highchair and
i’m tossing him crackers to keep
his screaming at bay.
luke is in and out of the kitchen,
grazing for crackers.
i hand him a melamine bowl
with a few crackers.
he eats them and starts
dropping the bowl.
a melamine bowl on a
ceramic floor is l o u d.
i asked if he was ok.
he said yes.
second drop.
i ask him to stop dropping the bowl
and return to making lunch.
i look up.
i see him holding the bowl,
putting his fingers in his ears,
and then he drops the bowl.
oh. jeesh.
he is dropping the bowl on purpose
and plugging his ears so he doesn’t have
to hear the loud crash.
nice.
i ask him to come to me
and bring the bowl.
he picks up the bowl and makes
his way to me.
as he is walking i cut up some
more fruit for lunch
and then CRASH right at my feet.
a bowl broken at my feet.
little boy with fingers in his ears.
and i yell.
I ASKED YOU TO STOP DROPING THE BOWL.
right away i’m shocked at my response.
and i’m so so sorry.
i drop to my knees and gather his hands.
i tell my boy i’m sorry for yelling
and ask him to forgive me.
he says he forgives me and we hug.
i’m mentally trying to regain my senses
as he breaks away and says he needs to lie
on the couch.
he asks me to call him when lunch is ready.
i say ok.
humbled i go back to sandwich making and
begin to rebuke myself for raising my voice.
minutes later he is walking back to me,
crying.
in that breakyourheart crying child voice he says,
i am sorry i dropped the bowl and it broke. please forgive me.

and so it goes.
teaching and being taught.
again and again.
we need God’s grace
for this moment,
not yesterday or tomorrow.
and we need God’s forgiveness
most of all.